When I was a kid, we did not have many sweets in the house. I would occasionally sneak downstairs early in the morning and eat sprinkles or a can of cake icing. Soda and blatantly sugared cereal were mostly forbidden, but for a while it was something of a tradition to receive a box of Cap’n Crunch as a birthday present.
Every now and then as an adult, I get the urge to consume a box of this “sweetened corn & oat cereal” (usually for dinner, not breakfast.) I have probably gone a decade here and there without them, but lately I find myself compelled to visit the sugared cereal aisle more frequently. I theorize it may be related to the performance of the economy. The Cap’n Crunch economic indicator.
I know, I know, after wolfing down a few bowls with adult taste buds, it starts to feel like eating glass. But at least I can rest assured that I am eating healthy, since Crunch Berries are a U.S.-government approved Smart Choice pick.
I always liked the plain, disliked the Peanut, and loved the Crunch Berries. When I was young, Crunch Berries came in their natural pinkish color. Today, through the lord only knows what sort of chemical trickery, they come in green, purple, and blue as well. And the proportion of Berries to Cap’n Crunch nodules is now all skewed. But I adapted, I did.
However, about a month ago I looked down at my bowl and noticed a deformed Crunch Berry. It was in the original pinkish color, which was nice, but it looked shriveled, and spikey. As I gazed ever deeper into my bowl, I suddenly realized this was no mere quality control glitch—all the Crunch Berries were grossly deformed!
Alarmed but still coherent, I put down the bowl and examined the cereal box. Apparently, in my supermarket haste, I grabbed a “Limited Edition” CAP’N CRUNCH’S CRUNCH BERRIES, and the Berries had somehow been manipulated into shapes resembling “Sea Animals.” That pink, dessicated, Berry-with-protrusions was supposed to be a starfish. Something to do with a tie-in to SeaWorld.
I use the word “resembling” generously, as it seems the technology that would allow rendering a normal Crunch Berry into a “Sea Animal Shape” has not been fully developed. In the meantime, can someone please tell The Quaker Oats Company to stop messing with the Crunch Berries?